I have been much more introspective than normal lately. Definitely doesn't help to be on the brink of yet another birthday or to be in the throws of winter. But the place I am at in my life is new territory for me. At this age I would have hoped to have a better handle on my sense of identity. I now realize that much of the choices that I have made in my life have been choices out of obligations and fear. As a LDS, "free agency" is a term heard frequently, yet ironically it is not a principle that I have ever felt I could practice freely as a member of the mormon faith. Now with these painful realizations, I am trying to put my broken self back together and figure out who I am.
No, this is not a sandy beach. Just one of the many streets in our city this week, which believe it or not is actually harder to drive on than snow sometimes. Sand has taken over. The city has become one big, giant sandbox. We drive over it, track it into our garages, then right into our homes. Makes me wish even more that I had a large mud room.
This week has hit the peak of disgusting in my book (even though I know this is but the first of many similar weeks to come) and if dictionaries had photos this would be the image next to "disgusting." As I drive around the only word that comes to mind is, "eew."
Other weekly highlights include: photoshoot for the Samek family and Little Man's speech on Ponce De Leon (last minute notice for music and costume, but I managed). You know it's a lame week when the Barnes toes make the cut for the POTD slot.
The gist of my week in a nutshell would be "eew and ugh"... but I'm forging forward and keeping one foot in front of the other.
sigh. You articulated what I'm sure most of us feel. The line about making choices out of obligation or fear screams motherhood (or maybe just adulthood) to me. I always think that life is so short and we should take chances and follow passions because why not? But things like job security and what feels safe wins out most of the time.
ReplyDeleteJust when I think I've figured myself out, I change. I'm a much different person than I was 2 years ago, or 5 years ago. One of my professors at Evergreen who was a very wise woman with a long, amazing life always said, "you are the most interesting person you will ever know." Which leads me to believe that we are ever-evolving and always on a quest to know and accept who we are. (Which isn't an easy thing)
hey stranger!
ReplyDeletetiming not mine on the baptisms....that would be the kiddos! we decided to get on the ball since cole finally came to us and wanted to do it (brooke has ALWAYS wanted to get baptized).
sorry to hear you're having some issues....you do have free agency, and the right to choose to take a break and figure out some personnel things that are between you and HIM. noone will judge, and if they do....not YOUR problem, i have definately learned that being inactive for a long time myself! i agree that we are "ever-evolving"...and HE has great compassion and love for you, so don't feel guilt or pressure, just do what you need to do....no stress!
all that said, are you coming to the kids baptism?? it will be on the 20th of feb. pick up the phone and call me sometime!
Yuck! I can't believe that sand! Hope things warm up a bit for you guys! I always struggle a bit through Jan & Feb. I guess it would be a good time to schedual a tropical vacation if you could swing it!
ReplyDeleteGood post :) You're right to keep forging forward. :) I have a birthday coming up too...why is it birthdays that seem to be the wake up call for things in our lives...Birthdays used to be so fun ;) Hope you're able to find yourself :)
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