The Big Picture

Wouldn't it be great if we could see the big picture? You know, the map of our life laid out ever so neatly before us? I'm not really a big fan of the unknown, not to mention how much easier decision making would be, especially the big ones... Which degree should I seek? Who should I choose as a spouse? How many children should we have? Where should we live that would make us most happy?

Ok, so we all know this is not a possibility, but doesn't it sound great? I often think how much easier it would all be if I could see in that crystal ball and have all the answers.

My husband and I married very young. He was just 18 years old, just out of high school. He had just made some pretty big decisions in his life- the life altering kind, such as not going on a mormon mission, joining the Navy, getting married, and moving to Orlando to start his nuclear career.

So, you can probably imagine what the answer was when I mentioned the word baby. For a guy that is extremely mellow the majority of his life- the look that came over him was anything but. His face said it all and I knew that it was not the right time, at least for him.

I waited another two years and then we made the decision to start trying. I got pregnant almost immediately. I was elated. It was such an exciting and joyous time in our lives, we wanted to share the news with everyone.

At around 14 weeks I started spotting and having some problems that didn't seem normal. We immediately went in to be seen and after an ultrasound it was determined that the baby's heart had stopped beating at 12 weeks.

"We can do a D&C right now" were the first words uttered at the Navy Hospital that day. It had barely even registered and they were already talking about aborting the fetus. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.

Haldan left to go back out to sea almost immediately and I was left to deal with this tremendous loss, alone. It was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.

All the joy that once was had been replaced with guilt and emptiness. Anything and everything set me off. My realtor stopped by with a baby gift, not knowing what had just happened- I cried for days.

It took a good few months to feel better and at least a year before I felt whole again.

I have often thought back to this trial that I went through. It is a trial that afflicts many, but it didn't make mine seem any less painful in that moment.

I think how I would be a mom to a 16 year old teenager right now, how drastically different the course of our life could have been.

I wonder why this happened and why it took another six years to conceive.

Being removed from it for so long has allowed me a better perspective. While we go through difficult seasons in our lives it's so hard to see the big picture, to gain an appreciation for the purpose of such things.

I guess it's been long enough that I am able to see that, and although it will always be a great loss, it also would have been a great challenge for me. My husband was gone so much those first years in the Navy that I would have been a single parent- and even though lonliness filled my days and I longed for companionship- I don't think that raising a child alone was the answer. Haldan would have missed out on most of the first 6 years of their little life.

I can see a glimpse of the big picture and I now feel peace.

I recently read my sister-in-laws blog about the place they are at in their lives and how depressed she feels. For some reason it made me think of my miscarriage. It also made me think how so many things in life seem so overwhelming and impossible, like you may never get through them...

But you do. You stress over that midterm and final exam, and what relief when it is finally completed and you passed. You worry about the birth of your child and those sleep deprived nights when you think you may go mad, but you don't- and then when you least expect it, they are sleeping through the night. You worry about the milestones and friendships and hardships your children experience, and then one day you realize that they made it over those hurdles and are onto new ones.

Life is filled with obstacles and challenges of all kinds. And although there are times we think we can't even put one foot in front of the other- we do.

I was also reminded that life is filled with "seasons"...

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8