Deforestation: A Woman's Story

There are moments in life that define you. Surviving a bully. Overcoming a phobia. Giving birth to your first child.


But today I want to talk about a recent one. Enduring laser hair removal.


It has come to my attention that not all are created equal, contrary to what you may have heard- particularly when it comes to hair.


We live in a society that has very high standards when it comes to hair on a woman.


Roots and dead ends are ugly. And should be addressed on a regular basis.


Frizzy, unruly, dull hair is a sign of poor hair hygiene.


And all other hair on the body should be removed as frequently as possible.


This seems an unreasonable standard for a busy mother and wife, at least this one.


Keep the house tidied, get the bills out on time, have dinner on the table, kids to all activities, laundry done, nails pristine, look beautiful for hubs, oh- and hair removed around the clock.


That is where my big beef comes into play. Because like I said, we are not all created equal. Were you aware that there are actually some women out there that rarely have to shave their pits and/or legs? And I’m not talking about hairless people. I’m talking people that were gifted with the gene that makes hair only grow occasionally.


Then there’s me. I shave my pits before my workout. By the time I dress, drive to the gym, workout, and return home 2.2 hours later I have already grown enough stubble that I shave- again. And although not quite as obvious, my leg hair could also be removed on a bi-daily basis.


Please tell me, how does one keep up with this insane hair schedule and get anything else done?


For a while I was doing regular Brazilian waxing treatments. But they only last for a couple weeks and then the annoying hair is back.


So, I did what any sane woman would have done, I enquired about laser hair removal. A little pricey and possible risks.


But after years of being tormented with hair, hair, and more annoying hair…


When I heard about a new nurse practioner that started doing this via a close friend, it was time. She was cheaper than the local clinics offering the treatment and it seemed a no-brainer.


I’ve only had two treatments. The first was the bikini area. The most annoying area of all, particularly those few months of summer when the kids expect me to live in a swimsuit.


But it wasn’t until the 2nd treatment that I decided to bite the bullet and get my pits done as well.


How bad could it be, right? I mean, I’ve already done my most intimates down there. Yeah, it was more painful than anticipated, but nothing can get much worse.


Those were my last thoughts before she started shooting that laser into my pit. Every swear word my mind could muster flooded my brain all at once. And words I didn't register. The pain was off the charts. Worse than anything imaginable. Rubberband snapping my butt. And this from a woman that has given birth not once, but twice.


To make matters worse was that my “stubble” was much longer than realized and with each excruciating zap of that laser the hair actually burned to a crisp. I smelled of how I imagine a morgue to smell. Like I was being incinerated. And mixed with the pain- there were no words. I gritted my teeth. I squeezed my eyes shut. And I dreamed of an exotic beach with waves and blue skies and… but the PAIN and the SMELL were unbearable. Breathe, Alicia.


And just when I couldn’t take even one more beam, she was done. Holy freaking PAIN!!!


The bad part about the laser, besides the price and the pain- which we have already established is not in my head- is the fact that it takes the average person about 5 treatments to remove all unwanted hair from a general area.


It wasn’t until yesterday that it hit me. When did I last shave my pits? Seriously. I couldn’t remember.


I know I did it right after, well a couple days after the rash and burning went away. Let’s be real. That kind of pain is going to leave a small mark. And in the last few weeks I can only remember one other time and there was hardly any hair.


I checked yesterday and there were only a few stray hairs. And they were soft, hardly recognizable, and easy to remove.


Hallelujah!! Happy day! It was NOT for NAUGHT. Turns out the pain and anguish was worth it. I’m practically hair free. And only one treatment. A miracle?


So, for all of you out there suffering with unwanted hair that seems to need shaved around the clock… I highly recommend you save up your money and gumption. And seriously consider going under the laser. The results are unbelievable.